Thursday, December 2, 2010

Local celebrity Interview

My lovely friend Renee would like to be known to the world of my blog. So 5 people will read all about her. She is a sassy lady in my medical school class. Just some facts: she is 26 and she goes to school with me. She is going into family medicine. I interviewed her during our radiology lectures instead of listening to our teacher. She is very interesting an full of stories, but I am afraid this interview does not reflect that due to self censorship. I think you will get a sense from the smattering of pictures interspersed within this post. Here is the unedited transcript.

me: If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? please specify male or female
renee: Seagull. So I could poop on you.
me: How interesting. Do you like to poop on things?
renee: And male. So I could pee standing up. Depends on your definition of "things."
cages keep renee in check when she is out of control
me: When you think of pooping on things, what sort of things would you poop on? like furniture? cars? people?
renee: Republicans.
me: very interesting
renee: and Carrot Top
me: agreed. He is very scary. What is your favorite thing to do when you are procrastinating?
renee: Where am I procrastinating?
me: where do you like to procrastinate?
renee: You're filthy.
me: because you pooped on me
renee: HA! You sassy lady.
me: If you could be any age what would you be and why?
renee: 30. forever. sexual peak. Hope your parents don't read that.
me: What is the craziest thing you have done and what crazy thing do you want to do in the future?
renee: I am so not answering this honestly. Can we narrow it to this year?
me: yes, this year. you have had a lot of adventures
renee: Wow, I still can't answer this...
me: feel free to tone it down
renee: Maybe when my sister and I entered a Battle of the Bulge competition on underwear night at Daddy's Gay Bar in SF? We were quite a hit. This question is blowing my mind, let's move on to the next.
me: what crazy thing is next on the list?
This is Renee with her clone.
renee: Stop trying to make me expose the Oktoberfest incident. The world is not ready for that information.
me: ok ok. New question: if you could have a superpower what would it be?
renee: I would fly.
me: would you help people or use this power mostly for you own benefit?
renee: I would use it to poop on people.
me: you are really preoccupied with this pooping thing. Why do you think that is?
me: ok. I will ask a more tame question now. apparently it is my fault you keep bringing up poop. What book are you reading right now?
renee: The Inheritance of Loss. I generally only read books about women's struggles in Asian countries. It's a personal rule.
me: Why is that?
Renee at Oktoberfest. She is for real.
renee: I don't know. I never thought about it. Is your blog going to make me famous?
me: Do you want to be famous?
renee: Not really.
me: why not?
renee: I like to keep a low profile.
me: I know that isn't true
renee: Mostly because I do a lot of sketchy stuff.
me: Tell our readers about the most interesting thing you did on your recent trip to Nepal
renee: Well, I got felt up by a Tibetan monk. upper thigh region, repeatedly. It was pretty shocking. I also rode an elephant through the jungle and saw a rhino. And this Hindu priest invited me into his temple, where he performed a ceremony and anointed my forehead with sacred paste that he scraped off the penis of the giant Shiva statue. That was also cool. I also had cholera. Less cool.
me: what would you rate your trip on a scale of 1 to 10.10 being the greatest trip EVER
renee: 8. Points off for losing my bags for 13 days in India and for all of the time I spent curled up on the bathroom floor for various reasons.
me: That is pretty good. What was the highlight? The penis paste?
renee: Possibly that. The elephant was pretty cool though.
me: I have ridden on an elephant once at the circus. Was it uncomfortable? Did the elephants seem happy?
Gay pride was out of control
renee: They are definitely NOT happy. I'm worried this interview isn't very exciting. Hey tomorrow can we do a blog post about Christy? Also, I think we should do one about YOU
me: What do you want to tell them to make this interview more exciting?
renee: I would like to tell them about how much I love blue cheese dressing. It's really a problem I have. Every time I try and say, "low fat vinegarette," the words "blue cheese" just SPILL out of my mouth. You saw it yourself today at lunch. I wonder if other people have that problem...
me: I like chipolte ranch. What hobbies do you have that you would like to share with my readers?
renee: Do you mean ranch with chipotle flavor or the ranch dressing from Chipotle?
me: ranch with chipolte
renee: Um, I enjoy eating, drinking, cooking.
me: What is your drink of choice? and where is your favorite place to drink it?
renee: Cab Sav I like to enjoy Cab Sav in Napa/Sonoma, California
also at my house
me: who is your favorite celebrity?
renee: Shakira, for sure.
me: Can you expand on why? Is it because you like her booty shake?
renee: She's beautiful, intelligent, and her hips don't lie.
me: While we have been g-chatting I have gotten some more inside info about questions to ask you. Do you like massaging shower heads?
more gay pride.
renee: WHO TOLD YOU TO ASK THAT?! It was Joe, I know it was. And to answer your question, yes, I do, as do all women.
me: is that all you want to say or will you expand on your own personal experiences?
renee: I will plead the 5th.
me: Ok. Have you ever read anyone else's diary? and did you do anything with the information?
renee: No, I never had. But one time, this kid left his "lyric book" at my house after a party, and I read it, and there was some REALLY kinky stuff in there about his mother. I showed it to my sister and my mom, then scanned a page and sent it to a mutual friend. Then I gave it back to him.
me: haha. do you still have the scanned page?
renee: I might, actually I have to check my old computer or maybe Abby has it.
me: oh man. we can add that as an addendum. I was told you have read your mom's diary
renee: Oh, you mean my mom's calendar.
February 8, 1984: Did cocaine today. Felt really bad about it
March 6, 1984: Gave birth today to Renee
renee: Good idea, I will be checking into it later today.
me: I would also like to ask you about the road trip you took
renee: Ok. Oh, the Paula Deen road trip. That was a very very long time ago. But it goes like this:
Once upon a time, I was in college. I never went to class, but I did spend an awful lot of time lying on the couch watching Food Network with my roommates. One year for spring break, we didn't have any money, so we made T-shirts that said "Paula's Butter Squad," named my friends car Uncle Bubba, and drove down to Savannah. Since we couldn't get into Paula Deen's restaurant, we decided to go to her brother's restaurant. While waiting, this man came out and said, "Excuse me, but are y'all the people who have been driving around Savannah with the PAULA DEEN OR BUST sign on your car?"
(We were, naturally) Next thing you know, we get ushered into this room where Paula Deen was waiting for us, and she shouted, "It's my BUTTER SQUAD! I've been waiting for y'all!" Then she invited us to be the celebrity guests in her $300 per person cooking class, where she made us taste test all of her creations, including her sherry raspberry trifle. Then we met her whole family. You know, Michael, Uncle Bubba, Jamie, Bobby, and even Brooke. Now, these were the days before facebook had photo albums, so when we called all of our friends from GA, they didn't believe us. Eventually though, word spread, and we became Tufts celebrities.
me: Do you have any pictures?
renee: Of Paula? of course
me: why haven't you given me THOSE?!
renee: I thought you only wanted recent pictures
me: well I will add them later BUT I would like to end the interview by asking you about cadillac ranch. Cadillac ranch for those of you not in CT is a bar with line dancing, a mechanical bull, and where mike ditka is a frequent visitor
renee: You could probably turn that into a whole OTHER blog post. That's how exciting it is.
me: i think you are very exciting
renee: You have been talking to Katie Olson, clearly.
me: you excite me
renee: And I will not discuss the time I went flying over the bull, nor the time I almost killed someone, nor the time I bit that guy's $600 hat
Then class was over, thus the interview wrapped up. Come back soon for an interview of me and perhaps some other students. Depends on how much we have to procrastinate.


Anonymous said...

Wow! This Renee is clearly a very classy lady!

Mike D said...

I enjoyed this interview profusely. I hope someday to have even just one hour as exciting as Renee's life.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I just stumbled across your blog from a google search for "awesomeness." Renee must be a really awesome friend. I bet she would like it if you made her a beautiful purse. Or perhaps you could host a wine and cheese party in her honor. Just some suggestions. Also, can you please invite me to the party? I'm lonely...and a little turned on.

DarcyM said...

thanks. ANONYMOUS. I am sorry you are lonely. Feel free to come to dinner, if you know where I live.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea where you live. It's not like I have a ladder hiding in the bushes to peek into your windows. I don't even know if I would need a ladder! For all I know you could live on the first floor!

With your two cats.

DarcyM said...

this is exactly why I usually turn off anonymous comments.